Candor: A misaligned perception
“Individuals often shy away from communicating honestly during difficult conversations, fearing the hedonic and social costs of honesty. Our findings suggest these fears are misguided. Honesty is not as unpleasant or isolating as it seems, and in fact, may promote meaning and long-term growth. People can handle the truth (more than you think).”
A Vice President of Finance at large accounting firm recently received a series of poor reviews on his clarity and trustworthiness. The data puzzled him, as he had considered reliability a hallmark of his leadership strengths. He committed to adopting a new approach over the next several months, but his efforts garnered similar results: his colleagues and directs remained distant and hesitant.
He reasoned that if he started tracking the total one-on-one time spent with his direct reports, he would gain greater trust and respect from his people. He spent three months focusing on these meetings, including making sure to ask about a personal aspect of their lives and focus on the positive. Still, he received similar feedback.
He was befuddled, and grew frustrated. He said to me:
“I don’t get it; look at this spreadsheet. Not only have I been spending more time with them, but I’m going way out of my way to vocalize their strengths. What’s going on?”
Things started to change only after he gave one of his direct reports carte blanche to be honest. She said:
“I don’t trust that you’ll be straight with me. What I get from you is “good job”, “awesome work” , and “#grateful” but almost no substantial reflections about what you specifically see that works well or doesn’t work so well. In a weird way, I feel let down. I wonder if you treat everyone with kid gloves because you’re afraid of hurting our feelings or because you’re unsure of yourself.”
This stunned him, and motivated him. In the coming weeks, he made a commitment to himself and to his team to deliver his remarks with greater depth and candor. He was more assertive in meetings, and less withholding in his one-on-ones. After a couple of months, his direct reports noted they were clearer and more inspired. They reported higher levels of trust and engagement during his next review.
He began to understand:
That his direct reports often reacted differently than what he expected. They appreciated and liked the honesty, they were more tolerant of constructive messages, and they saw candid feedback as important for their long-term growth, especially when they knew it was coming from a place of respect and support.
He never really knew for sure whether the feedback would be helpful, which is one of the reasons he often hesitated to give it freely. He assumed relationships would worsen, which turned out to be wrong.
When information, such as unflattering feedback or constructive ideas aren’t shared, especially upward, reliability and trust in organizations decreases.
Emma Levine (University of Chicago) and Taya Cohen (Carnegie Mellon University) studied the surprising effects of injecting feedback with an uncommon degree honesty. They are clear on one thing: At organizations around the world, in families, and in interpersonal settings, speaking your mind has positive, and long-term benefits.
And how you speak your mind turns out to matter quite a lot. Below are three guiding principles Levine and Cohen recommend when considering the delivery of an honest message:
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When you want to communicate something difficult to someone else, and you hear a voice inside your head telling you the other person won't want to hear your criticism, remind yourself that most recipients want to hear your feedback, even if it makes them unhappy.
Pro Tip: Ask yourself: how much of your hesitation is not wanting to hurt the other and how much is you not wanting to feel uncomfortable?
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Even when you're talking to someone who doesn't want to receive the feedback, remind yourself that the benefits in the long term often outweigh the short-term costs. We know this instinctively with children or parents.
Pro Tip: Consider communicating the potential impact on the other your feedback might have:
“I am aware of the challenging position you may be in as the receiver here, and I respect it.”
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Make it explicit that the feedback you're giving is in support. That what you're saying is coming from a place of caring for them, and wanting to help them.
Pro Tip: Integrate humility. Communicate an ethic of observational curiosity, instead of factual certitude:
“I offer this as my perception of how you show up; I’m saying it in full support of your long-term growth. If you don’t find it useful, feel free to discard it.”
